Commit. And Be Free.

"We're having such a good time. I start to have feelings for this person. They just don't want to commit" - I hear my client's energy shifting from enthusiastic to defeated as she says these words. Ah, the notorious "fear of commitment". What is so scary about it? How is it that it becomes the trigger word in the arena of relationships? How is it that some of us want it so badly and others - react to it with dread?

Commitment - once a noble and respected concept, recently it has become a charged and confusing idea in modern relationships. The demands of "focusing on my needs first", "stopping people-pleasing", "living my best self" which are supposed to help us heal and grow, take responsibility for our lives and mature, somehow evolved into "either - or" choices - where committing becomes interpreted as a limitation, sacrifice and potential self-neglect.

I believe that commitment can lay the path to liberation and freedom. It can reflect an ultimate dedication to living our lives authentically and expansively. And the tension that it creates for some when thinking about committing is the best place to start exploring it.

If commitment sounds scary and threatening, let's check with ourselves first: how confident am I in myself? Am I clear about my values and passions in life? What are my intentions for my life? Do I feel whole and comfortable with my vulnerability, or are there parts of myself that I reject and disown? Do I trust myself?

Usually, a commitment is not a mere promise. It involves a significant, meaningful action - for you or the other person. When you commit, you show you care. You might go beyond what is comfortable and easy. You might even take some risks. You "honour" and "fulfil" commitments - even the language indicates that commitment is somehow noble.

So, the fear of commitment, in this context, might actually mean an aversion to discomfort, taking risks or showing vulnerability. That is quite a difference.

Commitment is rooted in our beliefs about the world and what is right and wrong. If we are clear about it, if our values are known to us and well integrated, then committing is spontaneous and natural. That doesn't mean it's always easy or effort-free, but the gain is bigger than the cost. For example, if we genuinely care about the environment, we are committed to respect and protect it. Saving water in the shower doesn't feel like a burden. It is not even a choice - it comes as evident and natural.

Commitment often equals enthusiasm for something and a strong determination to work hard on it. If it's enthusiasm, then how can it be limiting? And if it's a determination, then it comes from your deep conviction and will, making it a choice and an expression of self rather than its limitation.

When we think about commitments in relationships, this is how we would like them to be. We want the enthusiasm and determination that often come with passion. Contrary to an obligation, which is usually externally imposed.

We often limit the understanding of "commitment" to "accepting a duty or responsibility", which, for different reasons, for most people sounds limiting and against their freedom. It nearly automatically triggers defence reactions and a fear of loss.

If you find yourself battling with the question: "Do I want to commit?" use it as an opportunity. Give yourself time and attention to notice and recognise what it is exactly that you are afraid to lose. But don't stop there and take it as a final justification for your withdrawal. Do the work.

Think about HOW this can happen. How do you neglect and abandon yourself when confronted with other people's needs? Do you let yourself voice your own needs and expectations? Or do you assume you can only complete your duty by sacrificing yourself? What makes you commit in the first place? What do you gain or what do you avoid by doing - or not doing - it?

Look closely at your beliefs. The above mentioned are only a few possible areas to work on if we want to find flexibility and freedom of commitment. Be honest with yourself.

The confusion around commitment also comes from an assumption that we commit to achieve a particular goal. To be in that relationship. To get that job. But the truth is, commitment is not a one-time thing. It's a process. It's not a simple promise about a behaviour or an objective. It's the dedication and the earnest devotion to achieving an end - while the accent is placed on the action, not the end.

Commitment means consciously asking yourself a question and continuously reflecting: how have I contributed to my promise? How have I grown while honouring it? Have I invested my time in alignment with my values and commitments to myself?

"I cannot promise you anything", "Let's wait and see how things go", "I will tell you later how I feel"... All these statements are valid and honest. And yet, if you say them over and over again, what you might be dealing with is fear of commitment rather than respect for your organic needs. Even if on the outside it might look the same, an honest "I don't know" is not the same as avoidance of vulnerability and taking a stance.

I know people who justify lack of commitment by falsely interpreted "flow" and "intuition". Following your intuition and respecting your body doesn't have to mean flakiness and unreliability. On the contrary, genuine commitment is reflected by the flow of experience, the process of living and the quality of your life. If you commit only to the outcome and neglect or ignore the process, then you most likely find yourself disappointed and maybe even suffering. You sabotaged yourself. And you refuse to see your part in it.

Commitment to a relationship manifests in everyday attention and choices of thoughts, words and actions. It is a decision we make every time we engage with each other, and when we decide to withdraw, avoid or ignore. When we decide to co-create a relationship, we decide to be known. To reveal ourselves. If there are parts of us we don't want to see, we won't be open to sharing them with the other either.

Then comes the big question of commitment to yourself. Do you commit to being honest, taking care of yourself, living your life authentically? Or do you neglect, avoid and ignore yourself on a daily basis? How do you make sure you honour your commitment every day? And how do you do it with care and compassion?

The suffering and resistance often come from an illusion: we take the word commitment, and we project some future on it. And this feels daunting. The liberation emerges when we investigate it in the now. What does the commitment mean to me NOW? How do I express it? How do I act on it? The commitment acts as a compass - a sense of direction.

If we are truly committed, we are passionate. If we are obligated, we might feel resentful. It's the confusion between commitment treated as external coercion instead of an internal decision that weighs heavily on the individual. Feeling purposeful and engaged in our actions, which is the essence of commitment - isn't that what we long for?

Are you worried that if you jump both feet in what is in front of you, you'll miss a better opportunity that is just behind the corner? Well, you might be right. This is why a steadfast, liberating commitment is not a consequence of a decision based on fear and avoidance but instead on a willingness to create and live according to your values. And this means letting go of other opportunities - which comes easier when we know how to be present and honest with ourselves; when we know that life means choices and we can contain ourselves in the discomfort of not getting everything. When we are mature.

In an adult's life, losses, missed opportunities and letting go are part of the experience and the fact that we encounter them does not reflect on us as being not evolved or spiritual enough - it just shows we are human. And our capacity to hold the complex, non-binary and non-excluding truth of: I can't have everything. I can sustain loss. And I can still care.

If you find yourself struggling with commitments, start small. Celebrate and honour the mundane. Plant a flower and watch it grow. Care for it not because you have to but because you care for nature, beauty and life - if it is true to you.

As I mentioned before, commitment often requires effort. But the effort doesn't equal force and exhaustion. On the contrary - stepping out of your comfort zone and taking up actions that are out of the ordinary might result in receiving an even greater reward.

When you look at the commitment in action as a personal growth path and a challenge to your solidified ego concepts, then you might start enjoying it. Enjoy being responsible for your life and making decisions now. And if you find it too challenging to do it on your own - consider support. Start with the commitment to knowing yourself.

Commitment is a beautiful thing - committing to anything indicates we commit to life - to live it fully and consciously.