Honest affirmations – the reality of the practice
W. defined her financial struggle as a “money wound”. She desperately tried to replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Every time she looked at her bank account and realised the gap between how much money she had and how much she wanted, her body tensed, her breathing got shallow and she thought: “I will never be able to afford it”. Then the thoughts followed: “This is so negative. I have to think positive: I am wealthy and I can buy anything I want”. And yet, she felt even more tense and anxious. “What am I doing wrong?” - W. was more and more desperate.
Imagine what happens to your body when you cling to something very tightly. The tension and narrow vision cause tiredness and your energy is trapped. This is what was happening to W. when she wanted to force the “positive money thinking” on herself. When we relax, this energy becomes available to notice more and engage wisely. So, how do we do that?
In my last article, I looked at how the promise of thinking the right thoughts might backfire if we believe that the ‘good vibes only’ imperative is the ‘correct’ way of living. Today, I’d like to explore how we can genuinely engage in ‘affirmative’ practices so that they actually benefit us.
Let’s go back to W. who really wants to have more money. She starts with the recognition that what she has is not enough. Just this: acknowledging that her salary is not enough to cover her bills, healthy food and interests, and secure her future. The next moment is key. Rather than masking the reality with an affirmation, W. allowed herself to stay with this recognition, with the reality of her experience in the moment, without amplifying it, judging her whole life, or jumping to ‘good vibes’. Instead, she asked herself: ‘Can I remain inwardly calm even if things don’t go the way I imagine they should? Even if, at the moment, I don’t have enough money?’ And this is no small task.
‘Can I find my centre both when the abundance comes to me and when it doesn’t flow the way I want?’ W. would reflect. ‘Can I free myself from desperation and calm my nervous system when the situation is not perfect, or do I fuel my nervousness and anxiety by constantly comparing bitter reality to my ideal?’ W. learnt that trying to convince her brain that her situation was opposite of what she knew it to be was not serving her. On the contrary, it created more tension and resistance. So she tried to choose radical honesty instead.
The inner calm is not a goal on its own and it doesn’t mean that this way we finally rise to the vibration to attract what we want. It is more nuanced. The calmer we are, the clearer our decisions tend to be.
Let’s go back to psychology — however it does not lie that far from spirituality. It is not believing only that brings results. It is about noticing our expectations and how they affect our behaviour. And our expectations often reflect our personality and self-esteem. So it is not about thinking: I want more money. It is about noticing what my capabilities to make money or manage my finances are. If I believe I am capable of managing my finances well, I approach people, situations and opportunities differently. I persist. If I believe I don’t know how to ‘make money’ and it’s always been too little, I don’t change my behaviour and I don’t see or use the opportunities.
W. understood that when she repeated ‘I have money and I can buy what I want’, she only reinforced the inner dissonance. She knew this was simply not true. It’s like her nervous system detected a lie and treated it as a threat. So she turned to a more nuanced question: ‘What do I believe about myself when I think that?’ And then she had a revelation. ‘I don’t believe I understand money and finances, I am convinced I don’t know how to make it’ — and this was a breaking point in her money journey. Now she knew what she really needed to work on.
In this business of attracting the good and manifesting happiness we use the currencies of awareness and attention, and we often underestimate how valuable they are. Everything I have mentioned above points us to noticing: how aware am I of the present moment — of my inner state, my intention, my action, my responsibility? Am I perceiving the situation without denying anything, negating or fantasising? And where do I let my attention go? In other words: am I aware of what is in front of me without taking away its value or adding what is not there? What is the meaning I am making? And do I then choose to act and respond in a way that is close to my values?
When we allow ourselves to notice what is already here and what we already receive, and we realise that there is nothing we should be taking for granted, we allow ourselves to feel genuine gratitude which helps us create what we are looking for. We don’t have to deny real difficulties to be grateful. And being grateful trains us to notice what we already have and the opportunities that arise.
W. started paying more attention to how aware she was of her inner states and her circumstances. She noticed her habit of skipping the good things straight to looking for holes and lack. And as she opened to see what else there was, she noticed they always rounded up change in her favour in the local vegetable shop. She noticed that as her work hours got reduced, on the one hand — this meant lower salary, but on the other — some time was freed up and she had all the power to decide how to use it.
W. started to realise how much it matters where she placed her attention to regulate her emotional state, and that she actually had agency over that. If we consciously decide that there are opportunities out there for us, then we will notice them. Equally important is the awareness and agency over our nervous system regulation. If we learn how to bring ourselves to a calm state, our emotions pivot from anxiety and nervousness to calmness and confidence more easily, which in turn affects how we act, connect, and build trust.
The one thing that seems to be especially hard for us when we set off on a manifestation route is to let go of the attachment to results. When we need life to unfold in one specific way, we set ourselves up for failure — and create suffering. W. learnt it the hard way. When she believed that the only way her needs could be covered was by having more money, she didn’t notice other offerings available to her. It was in those moments, when she made a conscious effort to see what was available, that she discovered that there was support and ‘wealth’ around her. She joined a time bank in her neighbourhood (someone repaired her shower while she took care of someone else’s kids). She accepted the invitations that she would have refused in the past — because she was embarrassed about her financial status — and they created opportunities to meet new people and actually enjoy herself, which, she used to feel, she didn't deserve without earning her right to pleasure first.
Letting go of results does not equal not caring. The only thing we actually have control over is how we show up. If we do our best and act wholeheartedly, it’s easier to stay in peace with ourselves. If we add to it the expectation to achieve particular results and they won’t come — we set ourselves up for the suffering of disappointment and maybe even self-blame. And if they do come and we attribute it to ourselves only — we risk pride and self-centredness that eventually will crash. So suffering again. Humility and devotion, paradoxically, might give our life more meaning and peace than obsessing about our personal goals.
W. thought that the only way she would feel safer and more stable would be by making more money, which was supposed to happen by getting a promotion. When that didn’t happen, she — understandably — went through a period of self-doubt and shame. It was only when she allowed herself to enjoy her work more and — more importantly — her life outside of work, connect with people and surrender to the fact that she didn’t have complete control over the amount of her salary when she actually started feeling more stable and noticed other sources of abundance.
Bad things can happen as there are many factors which are outside of our control, but we do control how we respond and what interpretation we give to events. Even if things won’t go our way, we can keep trusting life and our ability to meet whatever comes. A trusting mind remains open enough to notice opportunities, connect with others and act from a wise place instead of fear. And this is what makes a difference — not the fantasy and denial.
W. had her share of bad things in her life. At some point, she started to give herself credit for facing difficulties some people never had to face and making it to the other side. Maybe it was far from her ideal life, but it was a victory on its own. She gave more weight to her inner work — how she responded to crises, how she treated herself and others, how she created meaning, instead of trying to manipulate reality to appease her irritation and anxiety. She practised more patience, forgiveness and kindness — especially to herself and especially in those moments when judgement, fear and impatience took over.
Slowly, W.’s affirmations matured. She included all her wisdom in her affirmation practice. She started with: ‘I consciously choose to appreciate what I used to take for granted. Even if at the moment I cannot travel, I care about creating opportunities for adventure and novelty in my life.’ Her affirmations stopped pointing to the things she wished she had. Instead, she focused on the capacities she felt she needed — and consciously worked on — to live a fuller and more abundant life.
Modern spiritual culture often claims: think rich and you become rich. However, a responsible, mature outlook on life allows us to see more nuances. In the ancient wisdom traditions you won’t find this simplified promise. They won’t guarantee specific material outcomes coming from specific thoughts or feelings. Your consciousness influences your experience so it is worth expanding your moment-to-moment awareness, and at the same time — it is necessary to acknowledge other people’s choices, impermanence, the meaning of effort or circumstances beyond personal control.
For affirmations to ‘work’, we need acute awareness of our identity and unconscious reactions. If we try to operate on the superficial level of thoughts and we repeat something which isn’t true for us psychologically — for example, I feel unlovable but I repeat ‘I create a stable relationship’ — I experience internal conflict which instead of bringing us what we crave, deepens the gap between what we think of ourselves and what we long for.
So I invite you to consider a different approach to affirmations. Instead of thinking: ‘The universe gives me whatever I want’, try this: ‘The qualities I repeatedly cultivate influence how I perceive, behave, relate, decide, and through that – the life I gradually build.’
W. hasn’t gotten the promotion yet. Objectively, her money situation hasn’t changed. Although occasionally she still goes through moments of doubt and fear about the future, she deals with them differently. When she notices overwhelm looming, she practises focusing on the smallest moment, disarms her assumptions about reality and looks at it without either sugarcoating or dramatising it. Her affirmations carry a counterweight of sober self-compassion, which makes them grounded in reality and self-kindness.
The truth is, even the most exquisite affirmation won’t create a new future if your deepest habits – fear of rejection, conflict avoidance, impulsive spending or perfectionism – keep recreating the same patterns. Reality rarely conforms to our wishes. But we can practise and transform how we meet reality. And when that inner transformation happens, we often do experience external changes because we’re living in ways that make those outcomes more likely and we are better able to recognise and sustain them when they arise.
– W. is not one person but a composite, drawn from many people's experiences.
